My insides were being twisted like wet clothes wrung to get the water out. My heart was pounding so hard my chest felt like exploding. I can hear its erratic beat, the banging sound so loud in my ears, making me almost deaf to all the sound around me.
I can feel my palms getting wet just at the thought of doing it. Is it worth the effort? Could I really do it? I could hardly sit still, unsure of how to proceed. I know what's waiting for me when I do it. The half, rational and sane part of me was telling me not to do it. But the insane, masochist and determined half of me was saying 'Go, go go!'
What should I do? Should I give in and subject myself to more fear, anxiety, agitation, annoyance, vexation and anger and then just appease myself with the little good things there? Or should I stop pushing myself on the verge of nervous breakdown and just forget about its existence?
I will. I will not. I will. I will not. I debate with myself for a few seconds and then found myself reaching for my mouse and then opening the TD thread again. With a deep breath I brace myself, and there I am again reading all the things that were posted except for some few bashers whose posts I skip.
My heart would clench reading the accusations, critics, comments, opinions, reactions, thoughts, suggestions and praises. Some posts make me laugh, some posts make my heart swell with pride but there are posts that make my blood reach boiling point. But I could not stop myself at all. I just have to come back each day, subject myself to the turbulent emotions and argue with others if necessary – all for the love of KG.
*simultaneously posted at my Facebook notes and my blog Lady Wakefield Passions
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